Take It, It's Mine

I have a problem: With this new position I don't how well I'll be able to maintain my lifestyle. For four years I've made do with no more than 15K a year, but it's because I've had to. I'm naturally thrifty and very good at not buying things I don't need, and without the money to spend I've raised thrift to an art form. I've simplified my life, but simplicity was thrust upon me. Divorce chased sudden unemployment, and I was soon paying rent to the tune of twice what I'd been paying on a mortgage of which I was only half responsible. Forced though it was, simplicity was a desirable state. I'd been trying for years, probably all my life when I think about it. Thrift, I've found, is relative. I made two-and-a-half times the amount of money I make now. I ate out maybe once a week, bought about a book a month, and rented a couple movies each week. I didn't think about the bills, because I didn't write the checks. I knew we had the money--it's all I needed to know. That's extravagance now.

It's been exciting to not know how I'd make the month's bills, and more exciting to pull it off. It's survival. That will soon no longer be a challenge, and I will honestly welcome it, but where will I find the challenge? For I find I need it. I think of the things I'll be able to do again and fear they'll be too easy to take for granted. When I need something at the store will I hop on the bike or in the car? Will I always buy my toothpaste, soap and shave cream from the dollar store? or will I think, "Oh, it's only a couple of bucks"? How close am I to getting a cell phone, a computer less than eight years old, broadband and HDTV? But to ask those questions is to acknowledge my commitment to this lifestyle. The money is simply a freedom, a freedom to live this way without the stress. Yet without the stress what is the quality of my survival? I don't want what everyone else has. I want what I need. If it's too easy to get what I need, how do I make my life worth something? Comfort--how much comfort can I stand before I roar and shred it to useless bits? How I've always hated security! How I've always craved it. Am I pushing away what I deserve? Am I just the animal I say I am?